THE CYCLE OF THE SOUL
Part I
The Material Life

Jozef Rulof

World Wide Web version
© 2014 'De Eeuw van Christus'

What went on in the mind of those two beings? Were they my parents? Must I lead the same kind of live. Was I born to have to go hunting, to fight battles, to rob and kill? Everyone envied the other his possessions. It was always rob and conquer the other’s territory.

All during this time I had not spent a thought on art, but now it forced itself back into my mind. Something that I could not resist began to grow in my feelings. It became more and more intense and again I started to think about my future. What was there really to do for me in this place? I decided to speak to my parents about this and the next morning I thought the time was right to broach the subject. My father thought it hilarious and burst into a passionate, almost bestial laughter. It made me turn red for anger when my mother also fired up the already tense atmosphere with her scornful jeers.

I pointed out to them that I could never be what they wished me to be, because I was not a born ruler. At that moment I gambled with my life, but I had thoroughly considered what I had to do. I was prompted to it from within, which I could clearly feel, and I would have to give it everything I got. Consequently I was fully aware of what I was doing and defied the domination of my parents. They did not allow me to speak any further.

‘You, an artist? Ridiculous’, repeated my father.

Still I said again that I was not suited for what they wished from me and asked: ‘Let me go my own way.’

But that proved too much for my father. He jumped at me like a wild animal, took hold of me and threw me across the room. Then he went away and my mother left too.

He returned again and said: ‘I’ll give you one day to think it over, no more,’ whereupon he departed once more.

I went outside to let nature calm me down. Unaware of my surroundings my footsteps took me to my favourite spot in the forest, where Marianne and I had played often and sat down to think. There a powerful force surged through me and supplied me with such a steadfast resolution, as if it had been etched in the depth of my soul. I should and would leave here as soon as possible, or it would cost me my life. I was very well aware that I would have to control myself in everything, if I did not want to drive him past the limits of his endurance. Deep in thought I stared ahead of me, but even nature had changed. I stood on soil that was scorching my inside and which I hated.

Then I reflected on my early youth. Where was Marianne? What had become of her and her parents? Would I ever see her again? Those poor people had not done any harm. They were innocent. Here she had sung for me. I could still hear her sweet voice. How happy we both had been. It gave me the strength today to fight with all my might. I fought for my happiness and my feelings, I fought for myself, at least so I thought, for why would all this happen to me otherwise? One memory after another returned to me, they were overflowing with the joys of life. On this very spot my nurse had joined us in marriage. How acute my thoughts had been then already. Here I understood that I had not changed at all, I had been like this from childhood. When I thought of my birthdays my fury rose against that other being. I would never give them the pleasure of tying me down. I wanted to be my own lord and master.

I broke all those laws and codes of ethics, because I must now act and assert myself and I know what awaited me. What was coming, meant that my life would be hanging by a silken thread. They could do with me as they felt like. Their parental powers had no limit and in my mind I already saw myself stretched out in the torture chamber being forced to give in. They had the right to do it. I looked at my poor body and felt the pain and torments it would have to endure already. A stabbing pain cut through my chest when I thought of it.

Up to now I had seldom prayed, but now I sent thoughts up for help. My adversaries were too powerful, I certainly would get the worst of it. I meditated for a long time, asking for help and a warm feeling of peace came over me.

A soft breeze rustling through the undergrowth unwillingly set me shivering. I sensed it as a betrayal, since I did not trust anything any more, something was brewing and the silence frightened me. The peace I had felt a moment ago dissipated and I was at the mercy of various feelings. Everything around me was in a state of deep tranquillity now, as if waiting for the approaching storm. It was so frightening, that I thought I felt the storm. I saw lightning flashes and heard the crackling noise of thunder. The roaring became stronger and louder and uprooted the biggest forest giants. For centuries they had withstood the elements, but now all this beauty was destroyed, levelled with the ground. I scared myself with these feelings, so that I touched myself to see whether I was awake or dreaming. But I was awake, though a strange picture raced through me. I returned to this picture and had to accept that I had felt correctly. Everything around me was destroyed, of my parents’ house nothing could be seen. Where the proud castle of my ancestors once stood a heap of rubble was all that was left. I now heard calls for help and ran in the direction from where it came. My steps brought me to my parents’ home and I saw that everything was standing and in good condition.

With a shock I came to myself. How could this be? From where came these feelings? I did hear the storm and I saw those trees fall, and I clearly heard calls for help. Was I dreaming and not myself? Maybe I was not fully conscious of life around me any more? I thought I was suffering from over-exertion and must try to calm down. Yet it was very remarkable, for I had really seen it happening.

Around me all was quiet again and I went back to the spot I had left. Here too it was peaceful and still, very still even. The birds warbled their lovely songs and that was soothing and brought me to myself. Oh, how tired I was. But why was I not like other children? Why all these strange things just now? I had felt it, it went through me, and it had been very clear.

There, on that tree I suddenly saw traces of my sun, my light. Now I knew at once why I had made it. I hungered for some happiness, light and warmth, but it was denied me. My light had been destroyed by the elements. If I had done what my parents wanted me to do, would then everything have been different? But no, I had tried it once. This incident upset me so much that I refused to think about it. At present I saw danger and destruction in everything. My God too had fallen to pieces; He, whom people called God and worshipped. I could not pray, but yet already as a child I thought of Him often. How had I spoken with Him? Then my thoughts turned back to my light. It was a rain shower that had caused it, slowly and provokingly my happiness and light were washed away. Was such my life? Was this a symbol of myself? How did I come to think like this, whose thoughts were these? I thought I was being sentimental, jumped up from the place where I sat and took a long walk. I felt feverish, but the dull feeling of a few days ago had gone.

What had those learned men done to me? Examined my brains? But how, they could not look inside my head, could they? The thoughts that came to me made me think I had solved the riddle. They simply had given me something to make me sleep and perhaps forced me to reveal my true feelings without me knowing it. But was that possible? Did their knowledge reach that far? One of them had given me a very penetrating look, what I only now understood. But all these thoughts I rejected again, for I really did not care.

During my walk, however, I returned to the time when I walked here, hand in hand with Marianne. That had been a delightful time to me. We had played ‘burial’ and I had made a statue of her. Where was it? Ah, in my museum. I had almost forgotten the figurines. I soon recognized the spot where my miniatures lay hidden. If only my Marianne was still alive and in good shape, not washed out like my sun, how happy that would make me. Very carefully I removed the soil and sure enough the first figure I dug out was alive and well. Before me, wrapped in clothes like a mummy, lay Marianne. I lifted her out of her grave. She was alive and the statue had hardened, it had been protected from decay. My Marianne, my dear little friend, you alone I love. You I could trust. But where are you now?

I held her against my breast and kissed her forehead. The likeness was striking, from her tiny eyes that looked at me sparkled small lights. It was as if she spoke to me. But I could not understand, even though I listened very hard. I also had the feeling that I had known her a very long time. This feeling went back much further than the years of my childhood, perhaps even a hundred years or more. It was so peculiar that I could not express it in words, but I thought I knew her better than myself. After that the picture of our wedding passed by me and there too I felt something strange. It was as if I was lifted up and moved away from the earth in my feelings, as if this union was made in heaven. Yet I had to laugh at this, my imagination was playing tricks on me. But how precious was this statue to me today. The earth from which it was made I hated and held in contempt, because it belonged to my parents. Still I wanted to keep the statue, for it was my greatest treasure, one of the many beautiful memories of my early childhood.

I stood for a time pondering deeply. Where was I going to leave my Marianne? Take it to my room? Danger threatened her there, I did not have to think long, I put her back in the same place where she had hardened and went home in a happy mood.

The day was passing. Tomorrow I would have to answer my father’s question. I was ready for the things that would come, horrible as they might be. The next morning I spoke with my mother first. She asked me several questions and became very angry when I told her my plan.

‘Why do you got these ideas in your head? You are a curse to our family name and deserve to be tortured. Don’t count on me, your father will take you in hand. It’s still not too late to change your mind and choose our side. Artist!’ she added and burst out laughing. Her eyes stabbed me like daggers, but I remained calm, for arguing with her was useless and so I waited till my father came.

As soon as he entered he asked me what my decision was. Again that great calm that was not mine descended within me. Thinking deeply and weighing every word carefully, I told him my plans. While I was speaking he turned a deep red for anger, but I tried to explain to him that I was not suited to be a ruler and would like to follow my own inclination. At that he forgot himself and stepped towards me.

‘You scoundrel, you thankless one! You condemn us and you condemn yourself too!’

My serenity upset him more and more and before I knew it I received a blow from his sturdy, muscular hands that sent me reeling and I fell to the ground. It was such a powerful blow, that I remained senseless in the corner of the room. My mother watched it all unmoved and did not interfere.

Viper, I thought, in this way you will never reach me.

My father stalked up and down the room and I felt that my life hung in the balance. I remained where I had fallen, too dazed to got up.

Were these my parents? Should I have to love them? She, who was watching this terrible scene, had carried me under her heart. Now I got to know them as I had never known them before. At the same instant I became aware of what I had to do, all doubt was gone. I had made my choice and I would stand by it even if it would cost me my life. I would not remain here for I could not live here any longer. I saw them as animal-like beings, but an animal had its freedom, whereas a human being was forced to do what others wanted. Wrong or not, one had to obey. However, I did not want to obey, never!

I defied his power and did not like him or my mother any more, for I noticed that she took pleasure in watching me with my life in danger. I thought that my father was close to apoplexy, the way he was panting for breath. How would this end?

Suddenly he stopped in front of me and looked me over for quite a while. His eyes were bloodshot, his temper at its peak. I looked ahead of me, but he shouted: ‘Look at me, you unfortunate being!’

I glanced up at him, and was startled to see how he had changed. This was not a man any more, this was an animal. I myself felt like a new-born child, I could think alright, but nothing worried me. It all was someone else’s business, not mine. It was the same feeling I had experienced a few times before when I was modelling with clay. That feeling was very strong now.

‘Stand up’, he yelled, ‘stand up or I’ll strangle you.’

I made an effort to get up, but it was impossible. I was too dazed, my legs buckled under me and I sank to the floor again.

He thought that I was unwilling to get up and shouted once more: ‘Stand up’. But I could not and lay where I was. He then grabbed me, lifted me high above his head and hurled me several meters away. There I lay, not a sigh came over my lips. Blood flowed from my mouth, but still it was not enough.

Again he stood in front of me and bellowed: ‘Speak up, come on, speak, what do you want to do?’

I could not speak, for I had nothing more to say. For a second time I was picked up and my body flung through space and I hit the floor with a thud.

Once again he urged me to tell him where I got these ideas. Who had blown such devilish notions into me, who had contaminated and poisoned my mind?

A sharp pain went through my chest and I felt as if I was broken.

My mother let him go ahead, not a word did she utter, she fully agreed with the chastising my father gave me.

Suddenly he ran from the room. My mother remained, but said not a word. How utterly miserable I felt.

After a few minutes he returned and threw some documents at my feet. ‘Here misfit, out of my house! Your corpse would poison this soil if I can’t bring you to other thoughts.’

I know immediately what he meant. My life was saved because he was afraid of my corpse. A wave of happiness flowed through me. They both left the room and I was alone. After a short while I tried if I could move and, oh, how everything hurt me. I made every effort to move for I could not remain here. At the same time fear took hold of me that I had broken something. But no, I could move and after great effort and much pain I succeeded in reaching my room. I lay down on my bed and after a short rest I undressed, and bathed my chest and the parts of my body that were bruised, with cool water. It felt good and refreshed me at once.

Next I had to do some thinking, for I must leave here as quickly as possible. I was still alive but he could easily change his mind and then the torture chamber would make an end of me. In him lay fear, fright and superstition, something that never troubled me.

Without realizing it I had taken the documents and brought them along. I knew for certain that I had not wittingly taken them. What kind of documents were they? I examined them one by one. My birth and lineage he had destroyed, but there was one document of value for me to cash in. This was now my only possession out of the many millions he had. A pittance, but I was satisfied, I could not wish for more. I rested some more and next I would get ready to leave.

A soft rustling sound nearby caught my ear, it was followed by a whispered ‘Lantos!’ I whispered back to come in and my father’s old servant entered.

‘What is it?’ I asked

‘Can I be of assistance?’ he said to me.

‘Aren’t you afraid to come to me?’

‘I just came to tell you that your parents have gone away for a few days.’ The trusty old servant looked at me and spoke again: ‘If God could tell you Himself, He would advise you to leave here.’

‘Where did you get these words and why do you tell me this?’

‘You know that I have known you when you were a child. At a very early age, when you still lay in your cradle, all this was foretold to me already. I have, however, never told anyone about it.’

‘Who foretold you?’ I asked interestedly.

‘A woman, but you know that she will be hanged if your parents find out. She said: ‘This house will go down. God give you the strength to be silent or your life will be in danger’, and only now I speak.’

‘Come here, dear friend.’ I took his old hands and kissed them.

‘Lantos, dear Lantos! The whole world lies open to you. God has guided you, may His blessing rest upon you.’

I thanked him for these sincere words, for I know that he was a religious man.

‘Are we alone in the house?’

‘We are alone, but I must go now.’

‘Farewell then, my friend, farewell.’

The door closed behind him. A friend was gone. Yet the sun shone in this dismal place because of the love and faith of one human being. What he had told me was most remarkable. It corroborated with what I had seen a few days ago. But it was time that I thought about myself and acted. Thank God, my parents had left. I understood this going away and I was thankful for it.

In the evening I felt much better, but here in the house I could not settle down to serious thinking, so I got myself ready to take a walk. I felt reasonably well, apparently nothing was broken. But where should I go? During my walk a plan began to form and I knew where I wanted to go. I would try my luck in an other country. An artist, artist of sculpture I wanted to become. All my feelings for art returned, I felt as I did in my childhood again; it had become more conscious with a sharper and clearer outline. I came to the spot where I had hidden Marianne and stopped to think. Her I would take along. My dear little friend from the past would give me inspiration. I pulled out her image, which was completely intact. Whenever I recalled that time, a sensation passed through me, which I perceived as happiness. For some time I looked at the statue. Those had been the most wonderful hours I had ever experienced in my life. Maybe they would return!

Till late that night I remained outside; nature soothed my wounds and strengthened my spirit. Here I came to myself.

Was I a condemned person? Did a curse rest on me? I thought about it for a long time. Who would put a curse on me? Yet it was strange that from my earliest youth I had abhorred our possessions. Why did I have such feelings? Did all this mean something? Why did I not want wealth? Didn’t it make life much easier? What was awaiting me now? I knew that what awaited me would be much more difficult. Earthly happiness here was mine. I could order without care, I had been waited and supported on all means. Yet I felt a deep chasm between me and my parents, their lineage and their possessions. It was all a riddle to me and it would remain that. Was this love between parents and child? I loathed everything.

Who possessed love? If there was a God, was He then a Father of Love? Could He allow all these terrible things? Was this His intent? Very odd that I should now begin to think about God on the moment that I was to start a new life!

Did a curse rest upon their life and mine? That idea of a curse did not leave me alone: Every time it crept back in my thoughts. Would I ever return here? Would I ever meet both of them again? Where and when might that be? I did not wish to see them any more, one could not communicate with them. Their kind of life I did not want. Nothing! I desired nothing of anything that belonged to them. On this moment I felt that it would be a long, a very long separation. Was it a separation for life? Did a continuation of life exist? A life after death? If it existed, then was there the possibility that we would meet again over there? Would we understand each other then? Was I the one who did not understand them? This I had asked myself several times already and given myself the answer, but still I kept asking it again and again. However, finally I did not care any more and I made preparations to leave as quickly as possible.